Emotional abuse is often overlooked and downplayed as less harmful than physical abuse. But the truth is, it can be just as destructive, leaving lasting emotional scars on its victims.
It’s a silent killer, lurking in the shadows of many relationships, often going unnoticed until it’s too late.
Recognizing these red flags and mistreatment is the first step to heal yourself and reclaim your life.
With this comprehensive emotional abuse checklist, you’ll be able to identify 11 abusive behaviors that could be lurking in your relationships.
Keep reading to learn more about these toxic behaviors and how to break free from their grasp.
Key Takeaways
- Emotional abuse can manifest as emotional blackmail, criticism, manipulation, gaslighting, and more.
- Anyone can be an emotionally abused victim, and any relationship can turn into an emotionally abusive relationship.
- Recognizing the signs of emotional abuse is key to seeking help and taking steps toward a better relationship or a safer you.
- Use my emotional abuse checklist and detailed descriptions below to take a hard look at your relationships.
- If you’re feeling overwhelmed and don’t know what to do, that’s the first sign something is wrong and you may need help.
- Therapy, support groups & self-care are strategies for dealing with the effects of emotional abuse.
- When in need, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help: 1-800-799-7233
Emotional Abuse Checklist
Emotional abuse is a harmful behavior that can have lasting effects on mental health and self-esteem.
Identifying the signs of emotional abuse aids in the pursuit of help, support, and breaking free from the cycle of abuse.
This checklist highlights 11 common emotionally abusive behavior patterns to help identify if you or someone you know is experiencing emotional abuse.
To find out more about each abusive behavior in a bad relationship, keep reading below:
In-Depth Look At Relationship Red Flags
Now that you’ve got my emotional abuse checklist, let’s talk more in-depth about these red flags in your relationships that could be harming you.
Some of these behaviors might seem subtle at first, but their cumulative effects can be just as damaging as physical or sexual abuse.
So read things carefully and think about what’s going on in your life to identify the deceitful mistreatment and move past it.
1. Guilt-tripping
Guilt-tripping is a manipulative tactic used by abusers to make their victims feel guilty and responsible for their actions.
They might use guilt to coerce you into doing something you’re not comfortable with or make you feel like you’re the bad person for not complying.
Like if you’re going to visit family instead of spending time with them, they’ll lay on the guilt and act rudely to make you give in and not go out.
Guilt-tripping can make you compromise on what you want in life or on values and boundaries that are essential to you.
The continuous onslaught of guilt in an abusive relationship can emotionally exhaust you, leaving a sense of powerlessness in the relationship.
2. Blaming
Blaming is when the abuser deflects responsibility for their actions onto their victim, making them feel at fault.
People confuse and overlap blaming with guilt-tripping, which could go hand in hand.
I find guilt-tripping is more subtle about making someone feel bad, whereas the blame game is more assertive about what you’ve done wrong.
This can include blame-shifting and pointing fingers, where the abuser tries to pass the blame onto the victim, and victim-blaming, where the abuser blames the victim for what they’re going through.
The mental implications of blame in emotional abuse can result in feelings of confusion, anxiety, shame, guilt, and a feeling of disconnection.
3. Controlling
Controlling behavior involves making demands and using threats to force the victim into uncomfortable decisions.
Examples of controlling behavior include:
- Excessive jealousy
- Financial control/ Economic abuse
- Leaving you out of decisions
- Make demands
The abuser may give orders, treat the victim like a servant, or get angry if the victim wants to spend time alone or with friends.
The continuous dominance can smother the victim, depriving them of their independence and keeping them isolated from people who treat them right.
4. Monitoring
Monitoring involves the abuser keeping tabs on the victim’s whereabouts, phone calls, and social media activity.
This invasion of privacy is a form of emotional abuse that allows the abuser to control the victim and violate their personal boundaries.
It’s different than an open-phone/password policy in a relationship, which is meant to foster trust when someone has been in an abusive relationship before.
Monitoring in an abusive relationship is usually one-sided, where the emotionally abusive person gives you no access to anything of theirs.
But they want every detail of where you are, what you’re doing, and access to phones, emails, etc.
Constant monitoring can make the victim feel like they’re being treated like a child when they’re adults, deserving privacy and the right to see/contact whomever they want.
5. Decides Things For You
Abusers may make decisions on behalf of the victim without their consent, asserting their dominance and control.
Abusive people think they have the right to make the “right” decisions for you or that they are the only one who has the right to give your permission.
An example would be deciding you can’t go to a party at a friend’s house or see a family member for dinner, even though they have nothing to do with either scenario.
Eventually, this could cause the victim to depend on the abuser for managing things, losing their ability to make independent decisions.
6. Neglect
Neglect is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser intentionally withholds affection or attention to manipulate their victim.
This can manifest as emotional abandonment, lack of emotional support, or failure to meet basic needs, such as not providing necessary care for a child.
They want you to rely on them and be upset when you don’t get help or attention or have them make decisions, giving them “power over you.”
Emotional neglect is a serious form of emotional abuse that can have long-lasting effects on individuals. The feeling of disconnect can lead to stress, lack of sleep, no appetite, and more.
7. Invalidating
Invalidating involves dismissing or belittling the victim’s feelings and opinions, making them feel unheard and unimportant.
Examples of invalidation include saying the victim’s feelings are irrational, crazy, stupid, or just don’t matter.
I hate hearing someone say that another person’s feelings are ridiculous and they need to get over themselves, that their hurt and upset is stupid.
The effects of invalidation in emotional abuse can lead to feelings of self-doubt, low self-esteem, confusion, and a sense of worthlessness.
It may also leave the victim feeling alone and without support during challenging times and lead them to repress how they feel.
8. Gas Lighting
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where the abuser causes the victim to question their own memories and perceptions.
The abuser may:
- Deny or dismiss the victim’s experiences or feelings
- Manipulate their perception of reality
- Blame them for their own behavior
- Withhold or selectively share information to confuse them
An example would be your partner saying your friends treated them badly at a party and they’re toxic, demanding you cut them out of your life or they’ll leave.
You may remember no clear signs of mistreatment and fight about it, but ultimately give in to a lie because you want to be with them
Gaslighting can leave the victim feeling bewildered, anxious, and questioning their own sanity and reality.
9. Harmful “Criticism”
Criticism is a normal part of life and many healthy relationships- when it’s a rational idea to help you better yourself and those relationships.
Harmful “criticism” involves constant put-downs and attacks on the victim’s self-esteem and self-worth. It’s destructive and meant to make you feel less than rather than help you improve yourself.
This can include belittling, demeaning, or mocking the victim’s thoughts, feelings, or abilities or using derogatory language, insults, or name-calling to make them feel bad about themselves.
Constant criticism can cause anxiety and panic attacks, further diminishing the victim’s self-esteem.
10. Manipulation
I’ve listed a few tactics that are part of manipulation, but the category is so huge that I had to make its own section.
Manipulation is a tactic used by abusers to coerce people into complying with their demands. Common manipulation tactics used in emotional abuse include:
- Gaslighting
- Trying to gain control
- Guilt-tripping
- Love-bombing
- Deflecting
- Ghosting
- Emotional blackmail
One example I’ve seen is someone getting you tons of gifts, then later using those as a way to “encourage” you to agree to something.
Like, “I got you those flowers, a necklace, new earrings, and chocolates, and you’re gonna ditch me tonight to hang out with your friends? That’s cold.”
Manipulation can render the victim feeling puzzled, doubting oneself, and lacking control.
11. Lying
Lying is a common behavior in emotionally abusive relationships, used to manipulate and control the victim.
It’s part of everything else on the list but needs its own section for you to think about what people are telling you and be active in what you believe.
The abuser may lie to:
- Confuse and deceive their victim
- Make it hard for them to trust their own perceptions and make decisions
- Increase the victim’s anxiety
- Make them feel trapped in a world of deception and untruths
A notable example of lying overlaps with gaslighting- like an abusive friend telling you that other friends are talking about you behind your back.
This lying could be used to isolate, make you stop being friends with someone else, or just be a tactic to make you feel bad about yourself.
Impact of Emotional Abuse on Victims
Many people only think of physical abuse or sexual abuse as red flags that can cause long-term harm, but emotional abuse can still affect how you live your life.
Emotional abuse has a significant impact on victims, including a lack of confidence, self-isolation, feelings of hurt and anger, low self-esteem, and a sense of being out of control.
The effects of emotional abuse can be immense, leading to mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Let’s talk more about these and how your relationship may be harming you emotionally:
Lack Of Confidence
Emotional abuse, also known as mental abuse, can really take a toll on someone’s confidence.
The constant criticism, manipulation, and gaslighting can make the victim doubt their thoughts, feelings, and abilities, destroying their confidence.
This lack of self-confidence may impede the victim’s capacity to form new relationships, chase personal goals, and lead a fulfilling life.
Self Isolation
Emotional abuse lowers self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and self-doubt.
The abuser may isolate the victim as a form of control, making them feel helpless and alone.
Also, the psychological trauma from the abuse can result in feelings of guilt and shame, making it hard for the victim to establish significant relationships and seek help from others.
Hurt/Anger
Hurt and anger are common responses to emotional abuse due to the hurtful behaviors and manipulation that victims experience.
The abuser’s constant criticism, humiliation, and gaslighting can cause deep emotional pain and resentment towards the abuser and even themselves or close friends and family.
Accepting and recognizing the anger is an important part of the healing journey, allowing the victim to process their emotions, stop the abusive behavior, and move forward.
Low Self-Esteem
Emotional abuse can have a devastating impact on self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and self-doubt.
The constant barrage of criticism, humiliation, and manipulation can erode the victim’s sense of self-worth and cause deep emotional pain.
Rebuilding how you feel about yourself and self-compassion is vital for recovery from emotional abuse and progressing towards a healthier, happier life.
Feeling Out Of Control
Victims of emotional abuse often feel out of control due to the abuser’s manipulation, gaslighting, and control tactics.
Those who have been emotionally abused can experience constant psychological abuse, leaving them feeling powerless and unable to stand up for themselves or make decisions.
Regaining a sense of control and autonomy is significant for recovery from emotional abuse and advancing with their lives.
Substance Abuse
Substance abuse is, unfortunately, a common coping mechanism for those suffering from emotional abuse.
The constant stress and emotional pain can lead victims to seek relief from harmful substances such as drugs or alcohol.
This is not a sign of weakness but rather a desperate attempt to dull the pain and escape the harsh reality of their emotionally abusive relationship.
The use of substances can provide a temporary sense of relief or numbness, creating a dangerous cycle where the victim becomes reliant on these substances to cope with their daily life.
Over time, this can lead to addiction, further complicating their situation and making it harder for them to seek help or escape the abusive environment.
Strategies for Dealing with Emotional Abuse
If you or someone you know is suffering from emotional abuse, it’s important to know that there are strategies and resources available to help you cope and heal.
Some of these strategies include:
- Leaving the abusive partner
- Prioritizing self-care
- Creating new boundaries
- Seeking therapy
- Joining support groups
By taking these steps, you can get out of the cycle of abuse and reclaim your life.
Put Yourself First
Focusing on yourself and practicing self-care is critical when dealing with emotional abuse.
In any relationship, there are times you have to put you first and take control back over your autonomy.
For example, kabosh their guilt-tripping when you want to visit your family and foster those relationships because they’re also important to you.
Engage in activities you enjoy and relax you, like meditation, yoga, or exercise.
Surround yourself with friends and family who can support you with encouragement and understanding.
Prioritize your physical and emotional health to regain your sense of self-worth and assist you in recovering from the abuse.
Create New Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is essential for recovering from emotional abuse and establishing healthier relationships moving forward.
There are many types of boundaries for all sorts of relationships, whether it’s emotional boundaries, money, sexual intimacy, or physical.
Communicate your boundaries clearly and consistently; don’t be afraid to enforce them when needed.
An example would be that you have the only say about decisions that don’t include your partner, friend, or family member.
So when you’re invited to a party at a friend’s place, and your partner tells you that you can’t go, you remind them of boundaries and how you can decide who to see and spend time with.
It’s different if you’re having a party at an apartment you share with a friend- that must be a joint decision because you both live there and need your safe spaces.
Get Into Therapy
Therapy from a mental health professional might be incredibly beneficial in helping you cope with and heal from emotional abuse.
Therapists can provide techniques to manage emotions, stress, and trauma, as well as offer a safe space to discuss your experiences and feelings.
Various forms of therapy, such as counseling, trauma-focused therapy, or cognitive-behavioral therapy, can be considered to find the most suitable for your needs.
They can help you work through your feelings and even help improve your relationship with an abusive person.
And if it comes down to it, they can also help you create a safety plan and find ways to leave your situation.
Join Support Groups
A support group for victims of emotional abuse is a safe environment to connect with others who have gone through similar experiences.
They provide:
- Emotional support
- Education
- Empowerment
- Coping strategies
- Help you create a safety plan & safety network
Reach out to local organizations, search online for groups that focus on emotional abuse, or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Leave The Abusive Relationship/Go No Contact
One step you may need to heal from emotional abuse is leaving the abusive partner, friend, or family member or no longer contacting them
Some people go low contact (LC) or no contact (NC) with people who have treated them wrong and won’t change their mistreatment.
Bear in mind that you are worthy of a loving, respectful relationship that’s devoid of abuse. Leaving or going no contact may be best for you to heal and take care of yourself.
This can be challenging and intimidating, but it’s essential for your safety and well-being.
Here are some steps to take before ending your relationship:
- Contact friends, family, or a domestic violence shelter for support and assistance.
- Create a safety plan to ensure your physical and emotional well-being.
- Access legal help to understand your rights and options.
- Find temporary housing if needed.
- Get financial help; remove people from your financial accounts
FAQs
What is the difference between normal conflict and emotional abuse?
So, normal conflict vs. emotional abuse?
Normal conflict is a healthy and normal part of any relationship, while emotional abuse involves harmful behaviors to control or hurt the victim.
Both can be resolved through communication, but emotional abuse can cause psychological harm and damage self-worth.
What are the main signs for emotional abuse?
The main signs of emotional abuse include harmful criticism, manipulation, and gaslighting. Victims may experience feelings of isolation, low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.
It’s vital to identify these signs and seek support to break free from the cycle of emotional abuse and prioritize your well-being.
You can use my emotional abuse checklist above to help review your relationships and see red flags that could be lurking in plain sight.
What behaviors are abusive in relationships?
Abusive behaviors in emotionally abusive relationships can include emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, and financial abuse.
My list focuses on emotional abuse- and I included an emotional abuse checklist to help you identify them.
Other abusive actions can range from physical violence to sexual abuse and physical and financial threats.
Can anyone be emotionally abusive?
Yes, anyone can be emotionally abusive, regardless of gender, age, or background. Any familial, romantic, or even platonic relationship can become an emotionally abusive relationship.
It’s vital to identify and confront emotional abuse, irrespective of who they are and how they’re connected to you.
Whether it’s a partner, parent, child, friend, boss, or anyone else, identifying how they’ve emotionally abused you and fixing the dynamic is how to keep yourself safe.
How can long-term abuse affect someone?
Long-term emotional abuse can have severe effects on victims and is part of psychological abuse that leaves lasting troubles.
Emotional abusive relationships can lead to mental health problems like depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
It can also cause physical health issues over time, such as chronic pain, headaches, and digestive issues.
Identifying the signs of emotional abuse and recognizing emotional abuse is vital for recovery and breaking free from the cycle of abuse.
With physical abuse, physical violence is anything that harms your body, no matter how small.
If it was lashing out, accidental, or “just once,” there is still potential to become an abusive relationship.
Can children or adolescents have any distinct signs of emotional abuse?
Sadly, children and adolescents can be victims of emotional abuse from the people around them.
If you’re concerned about someone being abused, there are some signs to look out for, including anxiety, depression, avoidance, drops in school performance, and a need for attention.
How can I set firm boundaries in response to emotional abuse?
Setting boundaries in an emotionally abusive relationship is a key step to protect your mental and emotional well-being.
Here are some strategies you can use to create healthy boundaries:
- Identify Your Boundaries: The first step is identifying physical, emotional, or mental boundaries. Consider what makes you feel uncomfortable, stressed, or violated.
- Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly: Once you’ve identified your boundaries, the next step is to celarly communicate them to the abuser.
- Focus On Your Feelings: Use “I” statements to express how you feel and what you need; “I feel disrespected when yelled at. I need to be spoken to in a calm and respectful manner.”
- Consequences: When someone violates your boundaries, you need to decide what actions you’ll take, like stopping the conversation, ignoring their demands, or going no contact.
- Stay Consistent with Your Boundaries: If you don’t enforce your boundaries, the abuser may continue to violate them. If a boundary is crossed, point it out and reinforce it.
- Seek Support: Get support from trusted friends, family members, or a mental health professional. They’ll encourage you and give advice to help you enforce your boundaries.
- Practice Self-Care: Caring for your physical, emotional, and mental health can help you stay strong, resilient, and focused on maintaining your boundaries.
Remember, setting boundaries is a process, and adjusting them as needed is okay. Your safety and well-being are paramount, and you have the right to set boundaries that protect you.
If necessary, remove yourself from the situation or seek professional help.
Final Thoughts
Emotional abuse is a form of mistreatment that can have long-lasting effects on its victims, just like physical abuse.
Use my emotional abuse checklist to get a better understanding of what’s going on in your relationship and identify the red flags that may show you it’s an emotionally abusive relationship.
By recognizing the signs, understanding its impact, and employing strategies to cope and heal, you can break free from abuse and reclaim your life.
Remember, you aren’t alone, and resources and support are available to help you heal. Trust your instincts, seek help, and prioritize your well-being.
Don’t let emotional abuse hold you back from living a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life. You deserve a life free from emotional abuse, filled with love, respect, and happiness.
